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5 Secrets for Emailing Teenagers,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]
Does this problem? Your teenage son is taking forever within the bathroom (again), but you need him to ready so you can get to work promptly. You're considering, "How could I have raised such an inconsiderate kid? He's so disrespectful!" Meanwhile, your child is located in the toilet, consumed with his image in the mirror. He's thinking, "No way am I going to school with this pimple on my small nose." Outside within the hallway,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], you start pounding on the door, yelling at him to rush up. He screams, "God, you just don't understand! Leave me alone!" When he finally emerges, he gives you the silent treatment. Not just that, he's missed the bus, which means you have to drive him to school. You get late for work and completely overwhelmed,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], wondering, "Why doesn't my kid pay attention to me? Does he need to fight me on everything?"
Both you and your teen: two different worlds, two different perspectives-and a huge disconnect that can make communicating a genuine mystery. As a therapist and the mother of three teenagers myself, I understand firsthand that the more you push your children, the greater they get defensive and dig in their heels; they become reactive as explosiveness or closing. And they're thinking, "My parents don't have a clue, so what is the point of attempting to describe myself? I'll just tune them out." Clamming up or exploding are both ways your teenagers attempt to manage their stress and defend themselves. That's because distance and explosiveness are often the only ways your teen understands how to communicate when things get intense-which obviously only causes more conflict.
1. The key to opening your child's ears: Here's a simple secret that may help you in all you do with your teen: Regardless of how hard it might be, try to start all interactions with your child with understanding, even though you don't fully agree as well as quite comprehend what they're referring to. Here's an example: Your teenage daughter isn't doing her schoolwork, and instead is online with friends chatting. It drives you crazy because you're considering,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], "If she fails another test, her average will go down and she'll never get into college. What kind of future will she have?" Your teen, on the other hand thinks about the problem, "I have to get online and talk to Skyler. As we don't constitute after the fight we had in the hall today,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], the rest of the girls is going to be against me and I'll don't have any one to hang out with in school tomorrow." Again, two different worlds. Attempt to start by saying, "I know how difficult it is for you if you have a fight and among your pals. I additionally know that you need to pass this test tomorrow. Schoolwork is the job and it is your responsibility to get it done to the better of your abilities. Let's sit down and think of a good way you can handle your time and effort tonight." Make sure not saying "I understand, but." which will simply disqualify what you've just said. Start from a location of understanding, and then try to put yourself in your child's shoes first before telling her what must change. I've found that doing this has a tendency to "open kids' ears." Rather than feeling like they need to defend themselves against you, they really listen.
2. Take the emotionality out of the equation. Emotion is the enemy when you are looking to get to your teen. Remind yourself that what he admits that and does isn't a reflection on you. You might not like how he's behaving-or even how he's thinking-but keep your emotions from it, even if his behavior impacts you. I'm not saying it is really an easy move to make; it's difficult, but it's an art you can learn as with every other. In fact, I tell parents to continue doing this slogan privately before speaking with their kids: "This is like a company transaction; it's nothing personal." When you think about it, there's no reason to be mad at the child for being himself. He may make an undesirable choice, but the truth is, he may not possess the skill set to create a better one. So your job is to help guide him to better choices so he is able to in turn develop a better skill set. Whenever you realize what your job is as a parent, it will help you be less emotional. Whenever you feel frustrated, remember, do not take it personally. Tell yourself that this is only a problem to resolve,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], and a part of "parenting business as always."
3. Ask curious questions…not loaded questions. Ask your teen for his ideas and be collaborative. Allow him to observe that you think in him and that you aren't mad at him for struggling in his life. Whenever you allow him to see that you've faith in the abilities and that he has got the space to work things out on his own, you will begin to develop true confidence in him. Don't ask loaded questions that put your son or daughter on the defensive like, "Why can't you get on time? What's wrong along with you?" Instead, try opening a conversation with, "Eli, have you got any ideas based on how you can find on time?" If he says he doesn't know, offer a few of your own and ask which one works for him. Let your teen know that his problems are his to resolve. Don't step into his "box." Rather, you're there to help him determine solutions-and to let him cope with natural consequences of his behavior.
Your ultimate goal is to help your son or daughter think for himself, which will in turn help him feel like he's control button over his world. Listen openly to what he admits that and get him to think critically about each choice. What's going to work and what will be problematic about each decision? An amount be the natural consequences of each choice-and how would he experience coping with that?
4. Don't be needy; get up on your personal two feet. Don't "need" your teen's cooperation, validation, or good behavior. As soon as you need something from your child so that you can feel good,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], you have place yourself in a vulnerable position while he doesn't have allow it for you. When you need something and do not get it,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], you'll naturally try harder by controlling and manipulating more. As well as your teen will end up more and more defiant or passively compliant-neither of which is good.
The simple truth is, you do not need other people to prop you up. You can validate yourself and solve your own problems. So if your child is acting out, that's his problem. Your problem would be to decide how you will choose to behave toward him. That's in your hands, not his. Think about, "How will i want to act, no matter how he is acting? What can I put up with and what can't I?" Take back your power and say to yourself, "If my child is screaming at me, rather than needing him to prevent, I'm able to turn around and leave and not engage." Let him know you won't talk with him until he can approach you with civility. Here's the truth: when you aren't trying to get your child to change or shape up, it is possible to consider better choices for yourself. And your child is going to be less defiant because he will have nobody to face up to. When you are not trying to control him and you're not reacting to him,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], he'll need to wrestle with himself rather than along with you.
5. Don't do anything until you're both calm. Another guideline would be to avoid doing anything until you and your child have both calmed down. The truth is, it's not necessary to react to your child when you are upset, or when your child is upset and in that person. You just don't. You are able to say nothing. You are able to take a few minutes or even more if you want to. When emotions have evened out, you can take a seat and talk to him. It's rarely good to try to mention a hard subject or resolve a conflict within the heat of the moment. Therefore if either you and your child is upset, stop and return when you can address things inside a calmer way.
Should you attempt a conversation together with your child and he's rude or from line, that's when you need to hold on to yourself and make sure you do not get dragged right into a fight. If your relationship together with your child is really it's impossible with an open, respectful conversation at this time in time,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], keep in mind that it's still your job to stay firmly planted. Possess a slogan that you simply say to yourself like, "I'm not going there regardless of what." If you're able to do that consistently, with time the baiting and antagonism should calm down. And do not feel badly if you get retracted in occasionally-staying strong isn't easy. The good news is the more you refuse to engage, the easier it'll reach stay calm.
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